Sunday nights...

So, as you can tell I am not good at this blog thing...I haven't completely given up, yet.

It is Sunday night once again. The weekend has passed in a whirlwind. I briefly saw my husband sometime over the weekend, I think. I sit here alone, unable to sleep, deep in thoughts that I probably shouldn't be dwelling on, missing my husband in spite of his behavior towards me this evening, worrying about my dog, and stressed over the upcoming holiday.

Sunday night is the hardest night of the week for me. I get a small moment of calm before the storm of the coming week. The calm is nice. I sit with my dog at my feet and my cat on my lap. My little boys sleeping like angels. However, I am reminded of how alone I feel most nights (and a lot of days) because of Jeff's work schedule. I miss him. I wonder if he misses me. I hate that we face things alone most of the time, as if we live separate lives, only reside in the same house. Most days I feel like his alarm clock more than his wife. He comes home, informs me what time he would like me to wake him, and goes to sleep. Hours pass, I wake him, we talk a bit, have dinner(about 4:00 pm), maybe run an errand, and he is off to work again. next day same thing... I know this is tough on him too. I wish things could be different. I can't even begin to imagine what a "normal" life would be like.

lately, I feel about a week behind where I need to be, with more and more things being added to the daily list and less and less time to get them done. Worse is the feeling that I can't find Christmas this year. I usually LOVE this season. I look forward to Christmas. I would get a certain sense of joy from just walking through the Christmas aisles at stores. I love decorating the house. I love my home at Christmas, it has always had a comforting feel this time of year. Hanging the ornaments on the tree, remembering the memories that go with those ornaments. Seeing the excitement in my sons' eyes. The first snow...all things that gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. A feeling I look forward to. No matter how hard the year has been, Christmas is always a magical time. To be thankful and appreciate the simple joys in life...

This year I don't feel any of it. I just feel overwhelmed and desperate to feel the comfort I would normal experience. Everything feels wrong this year. I hope I can change it.